When I didn't love myself enough, I accepted words, experiences, and vibes that were not healthy. I found myself repeatedly questioning my worth, being embarrassed about things I said or did, and prioritizing other people over myself.
When I started to love myself, I was able to let go of what was no longer aligning with who I was or who I wanted to be. I started to show up for myself and believe in myself.
The act of believing in yourself sounds so cliché, but it can honestly change everything.
If I didn't believe in myself, I wouldn't be here writing blogs for you today.
I write what I know, and as a girl in her early twenties I can surely say that in life, one day you will lose someone or something that will make you realize that people will come and go and you have to be able to be there for yourself, and give yourself the love you need and deserve, without having to rely on anyone else.
And when you realize this, if you’re like me, you will be confused about where to begin. Lucky for you, my goal for the past two years has been to find out who I am and love myself for it, and I've compiled all that I learnt into a point wise guide for you.
I present to you, SELF LOVE 101.
1. Forgive yourself for fucking up
Excuse my language, but every single one of us has done things that are 100% cringe worthy. Beyoncé probably cringes hard when she takes a walk down memory lane too. So go easy on yourself. The things you did and said and the way you acted, may be cringy af, but you did what you could with the knowledge you had at the time. You have learnt from it and have more knowledge now. And just because you know better now, doesn’t mean you won't fuck up. You will probably cringe in utter disgust 10 years from now when you look back on today, and that's always going to be the case. We are constantly growing and learning and evolving, and it's easy to hate any past version of yourself, where you don't know the things you know now. An important part of loving yourself is forgiving yourself for past mistakes, and taking that heavy load off your shoulders. You are not your past self. Your past mistakes don't define you. Who you are today and how you learn from those mistakes is what defines you. You are human and you are bound to fuck up, so forgive yourself.
2. Talk to Yourself
Talk to yourself like you would talk to a best friend. Cliché, but effective. Talk to every part of your body as if it's one of your bffs. Thank your nose and thighs and stomach for doing their jobs, helping you breathe, walk and digest, and don't bitch about them. Would you prefer a perfectly angled nose without the sense of smell? No. Priorities. They’re fulfilling their purpose, so don’t hate on them. They work hard to support you, with the little care that you give them. How much rest, exercise, nutrition and hydration do you give your body? Imagine if it were a car. Your ass would be crying on the side of a highway if your body gave up on you like that. Yet, it tirelessly works and adapts to your lifestyle trying to fulfill your needs, so the least you could do is thank it and give it some love and care in return.
3. Don't joke
A lot of us joke about ourselves being useless and ugly and fat and whatever else. And it may seem okay because we are accepting our flaws and joking about it, but I actually found myself happier when I wasn’t jokingly being mean to myself. The things we say out loud become our beliefs, and we subconsciously start to believe the things that started out as jokes. I’m sure there are better jokes you can make, without being mean to anyone, including yourself.
4. Quit bad mouthing others
Again, it may temporarily feel so good to bitch about that ugly skirt or her need for attention or his fat belly, but don't bitch about others. I’ve found that the mentality carries on into your thoughts about yourself. People who bitch about others tend to think that others talk the same way they do, and bitch about them, leading them to be more self conscious and wary. On the other hand people who accept and love others for who and what they are, find the haters and judgemental people irrelevant because they know that the people who are like them would not judge them, just like they don’t judge others.
5. Be a lover
Now this might sound stupid, but be your own lover. I started thinking about myself while listening to love songs. “It's you and me forever” is dedicated to myself. It's me and me bitch, because one thing I know is that I gotta have my own back first. Just like everyone else has theirs. If I prioritize someone else, they have two people putting them first while I have 0.
Similarly, I took myself on a valentine date this year. I took myself to a hip hop class to give myself a new experience (I wore red and everything, I'm cheesy sometimes). Buy yourself flowers and place them at your desk while you work. Treat yourself to selflovecupcakes (you can't hate yourself after buying selflovecupcakes for yourself). Would you buy cupcakes for someone you hate? No. So if you buy cupcakes for yourself, you have to start practicing more self love. Cupcakes mean you’re committed. Celebrate yourself the way you would want someone to celebrate you. I understand that this may sound absolutely ridiculous to some of you, but hey, it worked for me. To each their own.
6. Create a vision board
Especially if you are also in the midst of grieving a loss, this is essential.
The only way to let go of the past, is to shift your focus from the past and focus on building the future. Set some goals. Figure out who you want to be, and the steps you need to take to get there. Paint a badass picture of what your future is going to look like, and work hard to make it your present. When your long term vision is focused, you're not deterred by short term losses, because your life is about to be awesome and your visions are going to come true.
7. Don't compare
Know that you're on your own path, and whether someone else is doing something or everything or not, it's their path and their timeline. You have your own and it's okay to go at your own pace. Your ex could have conquered the world in the 3 months after y’all broke up, but that's his life. And even though you have nothing tangible to show for yourself right now, keep learning and growing and following your path, without looking at the road signals on someone else's path, and you will eventually get where you need to be.
8. Give yourself small wins
Doing small things like starting to workout, making healthier choices, reading a book, learning a language, waking up earlier, getting an A on your paper, go a long way. Now I'm not suggesting jumping from one small high to the next to give yourself the illusion of being happy and proud of yourself, but give yourself SOMETHING. It's not what you should base your self love on, because the losses will destroy you if that's the case. But work hard to achieve something, and allow yourself to make some positive changes that keep you feeling good and fueled in your long journey on the self love express.
9. Get rid of old shit
Sometimes memories, even if they are good ones, weigh you down. Let them go. Things happen that taint beautiful memories, making them painful. Be grateful for the memory, but know that you will make new ones. So you don’t have to hold onto any memory. Good or bad. Things change and new memories are constantly being formed. Let it go.
I've said this before, but purge your closet, your memory drawer, everything. If something doesn't feel like it's “you”, toss it. Know your style, and keep only what makes you feel good. How do you expect to feel good about yourself if you keep wearing that unflattering pair of jeans and then looking at other girls and feeling unattractive. Unless you toss those jeans, you won't be compelled to buy a pair that fits you better and suits your style better. Buy clothes you genuinely like, and feel good wearing them.
10. Use your voice
When you be honest and stand up for what you believe in, instead of sliding it under the mat trying to avoid confrontation, you feel empowered and better about yourself. Don't go around picking unnecessary fights and shoving your opinion in peoples faces, a big part of knowing when to speak is knowing when not to speak. But when it's needed, say it. Again, be honest and kind. Speaking your mind doesn't mean you have to use brash words and quote your thoughts, because being a bitch isn't going to help you love yourself more. “Say what you mean but don't say it mean.”
11. Chill
Let go of trying to be this perfect little girl (or boy) who always behaves and never attracts attention. Fuck all that. Focus on having fun. Go crazy and laugh out loud and dance to your favorite music. If you want to love yourself, prioritize your fun above other peoples image of you. Just have a good time.
12. Say yes more
The most carefree of us also have our inhibitions, and I'm no exception. We are quick to say no to something that's out of our comfort zone. Recently, I made a friend who's never danced ever before learn a choreo with me. In a public garden. I had to bully him to get him to do it, because he had a thousand inhibitions about himself and his dance skill and who was watching. But after going for it, and actually giving it a shot, he saw that he surprised himself and didn't suck as much as he thought he did. He walked out of the garden grinning from ear to ear. Saying yes to new things gives you a chance to grow, and gives you a chance to try something new and give yourself a fair shot, before judging and limiting yourself.
13. Take your space
Allow yourself to have moods. You don't have to be a certain way. I'm sure any good friend would understand if you needed to distance yourself from everyone and everything for a while to just do you and figure yourself out. It’s essential, and you must always grant yourself the liberty to take space to rejuvenate. Your mental peace is the priority. Don't apologize for not always being around and available. You're not wrong.
14. Say thank you
When someone compliments you, don't shy away, break eye contact, compliment them back or even worse deny the compliment. I'm working on being better at this myself, but look them in the eye, smile and say thankyou. ACCEPT the compliment. Accept the good things people say about you.
15. Rely on your friends
I'm someone who always found it very weird to seek attention or validation or appraisal from anyone. I didn't want to be the person fishing for compliments, or seem vain in any way. I learned recently that it's okay to rely on your friends. If you find yourself being self critical about something, let's take your hair for example, don't sit there lost in a spiral of your negative thoughts, hit up a friend and say “dude I’m being really judgemental about my hair and I just hate it right now. Can you help me feel better about it”
One of three things will happen, either you will see how silly you sound when you say it out loud, because your hair really isn't that bad,
or your friend will tell you that you are crazy for ever thinking that way and they don't care what you think but they love your hair and would trade hair with you any day,
or they will tell you that they hate their hair too and hair is a shitty uncooperative thing in general, and both of you can be bad hair buddies (it will still make you feel better knowing you are not alone, I swear)
16. Establish some boundaries
Spend some time figuring out what your values and beliefs are, what is acceptable to you and what you simply cannot fathom.
For me, someone being late is acceptable. I'm quite a late bee myself. However, lying is something that will never be okay with me. I just can't accept it.
Clearly stating what your values and beliefs are, you will be mindful to not defy your own values.
If I know I hate liars, I'm going to be upset with myself if I lie, leading me to feel badly about myself, and “hating myself”, so I'd rather say the truth. Knowing your beliefs, you can also set clear boundaries for others, so you know how to respond in a way that aligns with your beliefs, and you aren't constantly second guessing if you made a mistake by telling Alisha she was forgiven when you're lowkey still holding a grudge because it was against one of your core values.
17. Don't scheme
If someone let you down, stabbed you in the back, don't go sharpening your knives to stab them back. Let it go and do better. Focus on your future and who you want to be and work towards that, because that's where your long term happiness lies. Hurting them back may feel good now, but it's not leading you anywhere. Being the bigger person isn’t the most tempting solution, but I'm sure you won't like yourself very much when you look in the mirror and see a vindictive fox, not the person you wanted to be. So don't fall into that trap, rise above.
18. Take a Social Media Break
Or a digital break, if that's possible. Let me tell you something. There are a billion attractive people in the world. So when you scroll on Instagram and see that your crush has liked some hotties picture, don't compare yourself to them and feel bad about yourself. THERE ARE SO MANY HOT PEOPLE. Being hot is overrated. It's not a big deal and it really doesn't matter. If your crush is someone who likes girls based on looks alone, he's not worth having a crush on. Focus on your strengths, what you have to bring to the table, because I'm sure there's a lot. If you don't find any, ask your friends what is special about you. Again, we all get insecure and compare ourselves, and it’s good to have that one friend who tells you “Bro why are you even comparing yourself to her, I chose you to be my friend and not her for a reason” I actually had a distinct phase when I hit up a few of my friends and asked them this question, because I really couldn't find one thing that made me special.
(Sorry all the examples are about girls, but hello, I’m a girl. All of this applies to guys just as much, find a way to make it work for you. Gender doesn’t matter here just try to get my point k thx)
19. The truth
Sometimes, self love and self care are about going slow, giving yourself a break, taking time off, taking a long bath, having a glass of wine. But sometimes, it's about getting off your ass and not procrastinating and finishing the task you hate doing or skipping the alcohol, because you know you will thank yourself for it later. It's all about finding a balance that works for you. (that will keep changing too, go with the flow and adapt to whatever balance feels right in the moment). So give yourself what you need, whether it's a shove to get off the couch and work or it's a night to yourself with your phone switched off.
20. Trust
After two years, when I finally learned how to love myself, slipping up and being overcritical of myself recently made me feel like I'd failed and gone back 2 years in time. I realized that self love is a journey with no destination. Slip ups will happen but what's important is to not stay there and get back up. In a society that feeds off of your insecurities, do the best you can to be true to your real self.
Self love is a process, and making some of these changes can leave you feeling a little weird. Be unapologetic about making positive changes, whether it means unfollowing the people that make you feel insecure on Instagram, or cutting off contact with a toxic friend. In my opinion, you have to be a little selfish.
As you go on with your self love journey, journal about your unhealthy beliefs (Check out my blog post about my Journaling Journey, it was a big part of trying to understand myself better). All the things that you think are wrong with you, ask yourself when and why you started feeling that way. Day by day try to let it go and heal yourself from the inside out. Be good to yourself, be good to your body and be good to everyone around you.
Self love is about accepting yourself and giving yourself grace, knowing that each day you are trying to be better, stronger, and happier, for no one but yourself. Make better choices and better decisions.
And if you slip up, know that you’re human and be the figurative hand you need to pull yourself back up. And do better tomorrow. You? Reading this? You can do this. Be who you needed when you were younger. Be emotionally stable, be for yourself everything you need in a friend, so that as you carry on in life you can pick companions not because you need them, but because you want them.
Forgive whoever hurt you, leave it in the past and wish them the best. Start fresh. Start with a clean slate. What better time than now, when it's basically a chance at a second entry in the world. Apologize to those you have wronged. If you are wrong, own up to it and apologize, so it can be left in the past. It’s human to be wrong. Don’t hold onto your ego to seem a certain way, because your happiness is more important than how you seem.
I'm sure that the real you, beneath all your masks is beautiful and brilliant, and that's exactly the you you should show up as. Whoever and whatever made you believe that the real you isn't good enough, is not right. Society has become an ugly place where everyone is trying to be someone else, and idk about abroad but Indian culture keeps telling you how you should and shouldn't be. Fuck all that. Who do you want to be?
Stay you, for you
Bye xx
PS: I realize this is a lot to take in, so I designed a 31 day self care challenge that we can all do together, just to kick start our journey on self love. Make sure you’re subscribed to the blog to receive it!
Also, it would be really helpful if you took a minute to share this blog with some of your friends, so we can start to expand our blog-fam and spread the positivity. Thanks! <3
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